The art of the Gorkana freelance update

The art of the Gorkana freelance update


very day I look forward to receiving my daily Gorkana email alert. It's a service for journalists that tells you about all the movers and shakers, and lets me know that there just about everyone in my industry is doing better than me, with great promotions and new positions.

 So it appeals to the dour, the dark and the downright dastardly in me. It confirms to me that life is a party taking place elsewhere, and I am quite right to be mean-spirited, curmudgeonly and bitter. Which makes me feel happy. Well, perhaps "happy" is not le mot juste. Contentedly bitterly might be more like it. But anyway...

My chief pleasure, though, in the daily showoffery and backpattingly annoying festival of success from which I am excluded is a gloriously irritating section called "Freelance update". Here, people who you know mainly watch daytime TV and get by on tax credits and housing benefit pretend they have wonderful, gilded lives, an endless carousel of openings of cocktail bars, reviewing the first-class offering of various airlines and test-driving supercars or whatever. 

It's quite an art.

In fact, the freelance update section of Gorkana is fertile ground for rootling out nuggets of entitlement and braggadocio, I always find. 

I was reminded of this a couple of days ago when someone – let's call her Sybylla ffrench-Montague – posted that she was "particularly interested in film press junkets, travel group press trips, celebrity launches & parties and celebrity interview opportunities". 

I thought, I bet she is.

But as it coincided with the hottest day in London in April since 1949 – a fact that the BBC reported breathlessly and hyperbolically by calling it "the warmest day in April for a number of years" (Go, Beeb! Grab 'em by the balls!) – I decided to stop being such an old misery guts and join the party myself.

Here, then, is my effort at a "freelance update". 

No incoming gigs as yet, but I am sure it can only be a matter of time.

"Eugene Costello is particularly interested in hearing from billionaires looking for a non-award-winning, workaday, mediocre (and quite lazy) hack to ghostwrite their vanity-published memoirs entitled "An Offshore Account", "Sun, Sea and Fantasy: My Life at the Top of the Luxury Travel Industry", "Suit to Kill: My Career in Fashion" or similar.

 "Eugene works most effectively by interviewing the subject for an hour or so each day on the sun-deck of their super yachts while pootling around the Med or the Caribbean. Will blog about subject to his literally tens of followers. No time-wasters." #influenza #yolo #sorry #notsorry